shelby's Journal

so

its come to this

minnetonka minnesota itself, is unfortunate

and eating me alive (for the most part)

its weird what you realize when you come home for the first time in four months

its like im on an elevator

just waiting

to go back to my home

among many homes

i guess ill go put my clothes in the dryer

open windows open doors
im packing my bags
and looking
as far as i can
youre like the leaf in the tree
fluttering carefully
to my feet
back into my mind
your face failing to leave
my thoughts
I WANT TO KNOW YOU

i think nothing

i feel nothing

i think
i might
the wind on my face
we left the lake
how it was
down the road
we drive by what isnt there
sprawling neighborhoods
ripping the roots of the trees
we surely climbed
my childhood
we reached the leafy tops
the atomosphere meets empty space
i think
i might
my arms out the window
im sorry i cant help it
shivers run down my spine
we left
the way
we came
i dont feel the same
the sock behind the fence
unfinished capture the flag
why didnt anybody
capture
that
flag
we drove by your old house
we grew up there
oh how weve grown up
dancing
would be the best thing
i could ever do
right now
and
wallow

maybe
im awake

the ghosts are surely getting me

i wonder if we have a problem here

my roots have been pulled
things are sprawling

i think

i might

im walking through the door
i used to sneak through

oh how weve grown up

weve left everything
exactly how it was

are you crazy
have you gone mad
pull that laughter out of your pocket
TRY TO FIND ME
with your held toungue
and my held toungue
you sit in parking lots
i feel bad
for you
every
day
i want to whisper in your ear
the sky is falling
the sky is falling
i cant talk my toungues held
are you crazy
have you gone mad
pull that laughter out of your pocket
TRY TO FIND ME

oh
my
god
damn
the sky is blue and black and white and grey and red
my front door is open
its 1111
you thought about the time
the trees shivered and shook
we laughed so hard
our heads fell off
NOW IM AWAKE
im really awake
they shook with a sense of uncertainty
your voice shakes with a sense of uncertainty
president bush has everyone talking
president bush has everyone on edge
i take back everything ive ever ever said
im not real
oh
my
god
damn
the sky is blue and black and white and grey and red
my front door is open
NOW IM AWAKE
im really awake

doug johnsons mother is too kind

this second
itself
is frozen
id rather not pretend
this isnt overwelming
blah blah
good fucking times

i feel free
in the city
caught in storms

...

tonight
i walked calmly
across my front yard
while everyone was asleep
to see you
like i used to
this whole time
ive loved you
you cant stop
kissing me
i cant tell you
to stop
weve needed this
for
oh
so
long

...

i feel free
in the city
caught in storms

stress has my name written all over it
if anyone saw the sky tonight
they would know it was on fire
im mean sometimes
i cant help it
im intimidated sometimes
i cant help that either
this morning i woke up early
and sad
im ready
im ready
whispers come from somewhere else
im not sure where though
you laughed
and touched your pretty face
have i let you down?
HAVE I LET ANYONE DOWN?
i caught a glimpse
of my past
when i closed my eyes
there are masks you havent seen
i fool myself
sometimes
if anyone say the sky tonight
they would know it was on fire
time is surely running out
soon
WE WILL HAVE EXISTED
open your eyes
and get your naked body
and your pretty face
out of bed
im ready
im ready

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: halloween alaska

i object
to this teasing
i know you cant see through me
i count your blinks
and wonder.
how longs it gonna take
for us to get through this...
this...
THIS
this is not necessary
you are not necessary
i am not necessay
i am
however
"alive"
yes
"alive"
with full potential to be
ALIVE
I OBJECT
TO THIS TEASING
for some reason
i cant make out the sounds
coming from
so far away
do they exist
or are they just in my head
is the question
i have to ask\
myself
DO YOU EXIST
OR ARE YOU JUST IN MY HEAD

i can not believe
how crazy
last night
really was

i saw you
seeing me see...
for now
were nothing but a nervous
clutter on the floor
this is a piece of me
going into
everything ive got
tell me
what
have i
got
i think i know you
i think i know every little thing
about you
i think i can sit here forever
and never realize it
what
have i
got
i saw you
seeing me see...
for now
were nothing but the
eye to the kalidiscope
seeing things
being things
existing
somewhere else
entirely
I THINK I KNOW YOU
i think i saw you
seeing me see...
FOR now
were
nothing

driving home
the girl next to us
sings
i wondered if seeing us
see her
would bring her singing
to a hault
the rain drops
torrentially
obstructing our view
we sneak glances
i feel giddy
the constant lightening
causing me to look
not once
but twice
signals sending me
up up
and away we go...

black caddilacs
'weve named our children after towns that weve never been to and its true that the clouds just hung aroundlike black caddilacs outside a funeral and we were laughing at the stars while our feet clung tight to the ground so pleased with ourselves for using SO MANY VERBS AND NOUNS but we were all still just dumb, dumb, dumber than the dirt dirt dirt on the ground well wings on flames kings with no names well this place just aint got right air right nowyou were so all over town but still crayola brown well you should run round yourself right now and were done done done with al the fuck fuck fuckin around circlin round'

i keep asking myself
whether or not
this
is real
theres a thought
over there
in the corner
and youre just...staring at it
it says
i love you
without m o t i o n
without emotion
what are you going to do
now
i keep asking myself
whether or not
this
is real
theres this tap
tap
tapping sound
coming from
your imagination
pictures flourish
in front of your open eyes
if what we see
is really upside down
tell me
theres no way we could be
right side up...

right?
right?

today i called my house and sean awnsered and i asked him where he was...and, of course, he said home. my mom overheard it all and thought that was weird. it was weird. really weird. i wonder what she really thinks of me. i dont know if she would ever tell me. i just need to stop pulling weird shit like that.

Current Music: we laugh indoors. deatch cab for cutie.

'if i move my place
in line ill lose
and i have waited
the anticipations got me glued
i am waiting for something to wrong
i am waiting for familiar resolve
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved'

tonight was great.
i found myself falling apart numorous times
then quickly putting myself back together

tonight my mom said something that suprised me. we were talking about the universe and galaxies and how big everything is and existance and time and stuff...and yes it was really weird...but she said 'i always pictured us as an ant hill. were that little in something this big' i never knew my mom thought like that. shes just so airy that..i dont know. i always knew she had it in her but when would it surface? after over 18 years. my family is so weird.

theres no one to impress here people
snicker...snicker
the stars are out tonight
you dont know this but
you keep me sane
the voices in my head
sometimes
are better than any other
preventing shame
=
easier said than done
at times like these
i am more than human
if you could hear what i hear
youd be swallowed whole
youd see the sadness
and the noise in your ears would kill
all things evil
embrace it
theres no one to impress here people
snicker...snicker
the stars are out tonight
you dont know thing but
you keep me sane

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